Another Disappointment...

About 4 months ago as Chas and I were out on our regular dates we started having a serious discussion about the direction we are headed, life, church, family and other such serious topics.  As Chas is in training for President of the company I have been feeling a little lost on what my "job" is going to be in a few years.  The kids will all be in school and I will be home.  I felt as though everyone will be moving onward and upward and I will still be doing laundry and cooking meals, nothing will have changed for me.  Many people have been starting to ask me if I was going to start working once the kids were all in school.  I laugh, my qualifications are not great, I could work for ODOT running a backhoe or something, that's about it.  After many weeks and months of questioning and pondering and searching we decided that there was one more little spirit waiting in heaven to come down to our family.  While weighing the pros and cons of this decision, I admit that I was a little hesitant.  After all Brooklyn would be 15, and Carson would be 4.5, I am 37...yada.. yada...yada. Its funny how much you think about changing your decision after you've already made it.  Satan works hard to discredit your personal revelation by allowing thoughts of failure to come into your mind.
We found out we were pregnant around March 9, excited and definitely nervous.  After already miscarrying 2 babies after Carson, I was sure to be so, so careful.  I ate healthy, I exercised, though moderately, took my vitamins and did all I could to make sure this baby was going to make it.  It was a long 8 weeks, thinking any day I may have signs that I had lost the baby, but I went ahead and made my first o.b. appt.  It was for May 17.  Chas always comes with me on the first appt., because of my track record we never know what we will encounter on the screen of the ultrasound.  About an hour before the appt, I texted Chas as I had suddenly gotten a very uneasy feeling.  I said, "I really don't feel good, I am going to throw up." While we filling out paperwork, the feeling became stronger, I almost couldn't finish standing there and complete the paper work.  The business part of the appt. took forever, having to document 9 pregnancies with 5 living and 4 miscarriages takes a bit of time.

 We finally got the to the ultrasound part.  The worst part about it is you know right out of the gate if there is a heartbeat or not.  Its not like you can go looking for it and then you can find it, nope it should be right there, like Hello Mom! Here I am!  and if its not, your world changes in an instant.  All your hopes, plans, everything that had consumed you for the last 10 weeks is now gone. Nothing.  We can see a baby, its head, spine, little feet, but the life source is gone.  A couple days before, its little heart stopped beating.  There were many things physically wrong with this little one, and it wouldn't have made it long.  But it was alive inside of me for almost 3 whole months.  It was part of me, everything I did I took into consideration how it would affect the baby.

We've had 5 of those appt.'s.  Terrrible, yes.  In fact its hard to remember what its like to actually see a heartbeat on that dull black screen.  My first emotion was anger, "I am doing what you asked me to do! This is the third time, after I was pretty sure I was done, that you have done this to me!  I don't understand."  This was the only time I couldnt keep my emotions in check I immediately started crying, that was the worst.  Every other time, I've kept in control, this time I walked out of the clinic a bawling mess.  Which is exactly how I felt inside, a mess, lost, out of control.  and then I proceeded to go on with my day, picking up kids and doing the mom thing., when inside all I wanted to do was go home and cry and cry and cry.

June14
I will continue with this post... But as much of the emotion is gone it will not be as bold as the beginning, as I try to recount events.
On May 26 we went in for another d&c, I dont know why my body does not abort the baby on its own, but we went in a week after we found out and still nothing had happened.  Lots of family was coming into town for Brady's ordination which would happen on the 29th so we decided to do the surgery and be done, so I could feel well enough when everyone was here.  Initially I did not want to tell the younger kids, especially Emree as she is so sensitive and wants a baby sister so bad.  But after so many questions after my surgery I ended up telling them what had happened.  Emree was the most emotional out of all the kids, which I knew she would be, but we had a great conversation.  They boys were like, oh ok.  Boys are funny that way.

Chas' parents were coming into town on Wednesday and so they were here with us during that hard time.  We went in at 615 on thursday morning and I was home by 115. Quick in and out.  Janae stopped by that afternoon, on her way up to the tri cities, it was so nice of her to stop by.  That really meant a lot to me.  Friday, Dixie made sure I didn't get up and do anything, she took care of everything for me, which was so nice.  Saturday, Jared and Gina came over for the ordination, it was fun to see them.  Its been awhile!   Sunday, Keeton, Trina and Mom and Dad joined the party.  My friend Katie cooked a pork loin, which was awesome!  We had a great time with everyone and was so nice that they all made the effort to come.